Various Musings and Rantings of an Educated Layabout

The above is my personal philosophy. That, and have no regrets. Have no regrets whilst drinking the tea. So here is mine, and every English person's personal nightmare, particularly when away from home.

Lonely Teabags

And now here's the saving grace...

Unopened box of Yorkshire Tea

An unopen box of Yorkshire Tea, a little bashed from travelling in my suitcase. I love youuuuu Yorkshire teeeea.

provide me with hours of fun.  Here's some of the best.

Compliant and trusting man, 43, WLTM F to 45 who doesn’t insist on using the chemical names for obscure proteins as the safety word. Stoke-on-Trent.

A graveyard in the dead of night. A spade. A curse. Then we turn the sods. Just a sneak peak into some of my dating habits, but we could start with dinner and a movie (something from the Dario Argento canon perhaps?) Ghoulish M, 57.

As a frequent attendee at LRB Bookshop events, I spend most of my time wrestling with my own internal monologue jokes and summoning up the courage to articulate these before an audience. Naturally, by the time my anxieties have subsided, the shop has emptied and I’m once again alone. My sexual experiences mirror this. Let’s hang out! M, 43.

Sulky M, 68, seeks acquiescent wife or punctual urologist. Preferably one in the same. No perverts/slackers.

Literary lads of the LRB! Know a girl who keeps in touch with all of her ex’s? Says she gets along with men better than women? Laughs about keeping up with their drinking? Recommends white beer with salmon rather than pinot noir? Well forget about her, she’s a manipulative, cackling lush who’s hated by female colleagues and the morose clutch of resigned eunuchs orbiting her Hoegaarden. Instead, date me. Post ironic, post feminist who enjoys informed conversation, gender theory and ranking the ladette phenomenon alongside the Britisches Freikorps in retrospectives of the 20th century.

History doesn’t relate the incident, but I won bronze for Festooning during the 1972 Olympics in Quebec. After that I moved to Brighton. Dizzy F, 59.

My hobbies include leaving trails of crayons wherever Noam Chomsky gives a public lecture. To date I have placed 3,785 crayons across the globe and raised more than $7 for charity. Beat that, fems to 55 with independent incomes and easy access to therapy.

I hate bad dreams, especially the ones with the giant tennis players. Man, 41. Do you have bad dreams? Do they have giant tennis players? My sympathies.

Having an average score of 6.8 on the Slavoj iek scale of sexual magnetism (still regarded by scientists as the most accurate measure of human attractiveness), I have never had to place a personal ad. However, if I were to write one it would reference the colour green, a refusal to acknowledge the existence of gravity, and a firm belief in the theory that cuddling can solve all arguments except ones about carpets. M, 38.

I passed up an opportunity to attend the 2009 International Biscuit Convention in Warsaw to write this ad. And I really like biscuits. And conventions. Warsaw, not so much. Biscuit convention-loving, Warsaw-indifferent man, 46 WLTM F to 50 with biscuit baking/convention hosting talent who preferably doesn’t live in Warsaw.

Like a faithful hound I will fetch your slippers and newspaper in the morning and follow you for walks on beaches on brisk autumn mornings. Of course, if I bite a small child I will have to be injected with sodium pentobarbital and destroyed. But let’s just accentuate the positive for now. Slippers. Newspaper. Beaches. F, 32.

My dad helped me write this ad, just like he helped me with all my science projects and encouraged me to go to medical school. Thanks dad! Spoiled M, 54.

Here’s a truth pill: if there was a fight between me and all the other advertisers in this column there would be no fight because we are all friends. Good luck to you all in your quest for love! Apart from the advertiser above, who is my sworn enemy and whom I have pledged to kill. M, 38. Berks.

There are 289 species of octopus. I can, and will, name them all during the act of love. M, 58.

Many people carry scars from previous relationships. Not me: mine come from Chinese buffets. Clumsy, argumentative dim sum enthusiast (M, 45). Not good with children or animals. Or anything else that isn’t a fork.

I placed this advert simply to toot my own horn, but the LRB refuse to let me use the font ‘Impact’. As such I may not come across as bold and as dynamic as I originally intended, but let me assure you I am both bold and dynamic. (Perhaps readers could underline or highlight the words ‘bold’ and ‘dynamic’ themselves? Or else read this ad out loud and shout the words in a commanding voice, like that of classically-trained actor? Possibly Brian Blessed?) Bold and dynamic man (49). Hull.

In my bedroom, ‘tension’ is a word from the past. Although ‘dermatitis’ is very much of the moment. ‘Exfoliate’ is probably the choice for tomorrow. Allergy-suffering idiot (M, 40).

I have two great talents. One is writing superb adverts like this, the other is cage-free chicken farming. If either of those appeal, please write. F, 32. Shrops.

42 year old clinically depressed transvestite and father of two seeks jaded but intellectual supermodels to share misery , bills and alcoholic blackouts.Costume desired but not essential. I am hugely attractive and overwhelmingly charismatic.

Last night, I spent hours worrying over this club activity. I work one Saturday a month running a kind of English club from 8.40am to 10.30am. I have now discovered I get paid cash in hand, quite handsomely as well!

So after some helpful advice from friends after an impassioned plea over facebook - I settled on some Halloween games, music videos during the break and a costume design activity. They also appreciated the inclusion of candy as prizes I think. Anyway today I just felt great, it wasn't too planned (I kind of don't want to be a teacher teacher, if you get what I mean, especially on club activity days) and the students really went for it.

I guess today was exactly why I came out here. And I took pictures!

Some of the girls with their work. I love how they hide their faces, they're so shy :)

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Some of the work done during the design a costume activity. I asked them to design a ghost, witch and ahjumma - the Korean word for old lady.

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Me and the class with their work. Yet again with the work hiding their faces. I like to think they had fun, plus I got all their emails to send them the pictures.

The five boys, who venture into the girls school once a month for the club activity. They're more shy than the girls! Obviously it's the fear lol.

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... Lee Min Ho. You get some eye candy to look at as well as soft drink. I do feel a bit dirty when I buy it though, like some kind of soft drink porn purchase is going down. Oh well... I get my thrills from sugary goodness.

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... I gave you money. Quite a bit of it but eff it because it's payday and this cheesy goodness is well worth it. Plus I thought I better stock up and the cheese lasts a bit until I open it. LOVELY STUFF.

Cheeeese! ... and salmon

Sashimi

Stayed up a little late on Saturday as I wanted to tidy and clean my place before I went to bed. So, I had a major lie in for the first time in Korea. Then, spent most of the day just chilling, reading manga on the net, cleaning, cooking, generally being lazy. Quite liked it, even though I need to do a big shop.

Books! There's some amazing bookstores over here. Obviously I can't really utilise most of them being a complete novice when it comes to the Korean language. However, the Kyobo bookstore in Gwanghwamun is massive and has a BRILLIANT foreign section. Although a little pricey, they are all new books and not particularly expensive if you consider the books are in a foreign language.  At Kyobo, I bought a translated Korean short fiction book that sounded good.

Then I headed off to Itaewon, the foreign/expat district, where I treated myself to a salad and raspberry tart slice at an Italian restaurant called La Bocca. After refueling I went straight to What The Book! An hilariously titled English bookstore with a good used book section, meaning pretty cheap prices for books you can always resell on or exchange with others without hitting the wallet too hard. To be honest most of them are only one or two pounds more than they would be in a charity shop in the UK - some are the same price they would be in the used bookstores I used to peruse in York.

Here's my hoard for the day from What The Book:

Books Brought 23/10/09

Involved Adam T's birthday, half a bottle of wine, socialising and dancing to some brilliant music.

Superfunrockin'danceparty

We went to this great place called Club FF for a super fun rockin' dance party!

Yesterday I felt poo. No other, more eloquent words to describe how I felt really. Just generally lethargic and tired. Like I was on the precipice of a cold/flu whammy. At lunch I couldn't eat anything despite the fact I was starving. Crashed at my desk for an hour then taught three lessons in a row. Although it could have been worse - I was mainly acting out the speeches we were giving the students for their test and Ashley, my co-teacher was doing most of the talking ... in Korean.

So when I got home, I nipped to the post office then to the bakery. Feeling kind of good now as I'd been expecting my post office trip to be difficult but no communication was really needed. Hooray. Had a mini pizza bread and fell asleep. After my nap I got up around 9pm and realised it was garbage day. Time to take out the separate food and rubbish bags. Plus I had a whole load of recycling to take out as well. In my settling down period I was constantly told, it'd fien to stick your rubbish bags on the street - as Korea doesn't have bins. I usually put them in front of another building as the manager told me to.

However last night, the store owner next to this apartment block accosted me while I was putting my bags alongside the others.

She went on and on in Korean. I obviously had no idea wtf she was saying but she continued anyway. I think she was telling me to get a bin for my food bag (you separate food waste here) however I have NEVER seen these bins used by EVERYONE. I have only every seen one of these bins and this was the one she was pointing to. Also no one had ever mentioned this to me and it certainly isn't in any of the informational pamphlets given during the training. So basically I went home with my bag of rotting food.

Amazing. Remember I'd just woken up and was in this post-nap haze. I was just putting my trash out. Normall occurence. Doing what I'd done every two/four days for 2 MONTHS! So I spazzed out a bit when I got home. Firs ttime I've really cried in Korea. I had to fight the urge to go out again and literally just tell this woman to eff off. Or throw my food bag at her shop. I was just so upset. Retrospectively, I thought maybe I should have phoned Young Ju and asked her to translate but I never know if she's at school late and I didn't gave my phone on me anyway. Seeing as I was putting out my rubbish. Grr.

Anyway, ended up putting up a status on facebook about it - the replies kind of cheered me up a bit.

Chris: gone are the days that ur rubbish was just that!

Yesterday at 22:03

 

Eric: fuck 'em. I wear headphones and toss out my garbage whenever I feel like it, no one's stopped me yet.

Yesterday at 22:18 ·

 

Eric: lol, and I throw it out on the street.

Yesterday at 22:18 ·

 

Arnold: Some people are just weird.

Yesterday at 22:30 ·

 

me: she was making a big deal over my food bag - like I shouldn't put it out but in some kind of bin that isn't provided by my apartments. grrr... it really upset me as I'm just doing what everyone else does, specifically what the janitor/manager told me to.

Yesterday at 22:34 ·

 

Mei: Aiya! What a bitch. Who bothers to regulate other people's rubbish?! What a loser this person seems!

Yesterday at 23:08

 

Lynn: Oh Bobbie they are just talking a load of garbage

Yesterday at 23:28

 

Jade: how dare you dispose of your waste correctly? who do you think you are!?

15 hours ago ·

 

Stephen: what a load of rubbish

11 hours ago ·

 

me: loving the rubbish (in all senses of the word) puns :)

7 hours ago ·